Hey everyone! I’m just doing a random post I guess idk lol. For once kinda feeling good even though I’m tired. Being a new mom is very challenging but it does have its rewards.

So far my lil angel is 2 months & 6 days old <3

Everything with her seems to be going smooth except the normal gas issue now that will get this youngin cranky! Normally the infant gas relief helps but before it does the job it makes her uncomfortable, & last night was rough. Sooo my mom ground up a tiny tiny amount of tums & gave the mushed portion to Ari & I believed it worked. Yea I was still up mostly with her to get her to sleep but that wasn’t hard to do.

Other than taking care of her I’ve been trying to work what I can on my apartment to get in there soon. Can’t afford anything new so I’ve been having to use my parents old love seat that we’ve had since I was little & boy does it show it’s age haha. Through the years of wear & tear & along with pets over the years too don’t help its looks any by no means but thankfully had a cover to put over it. The cover is still a tad too big but hey its working & the big pillows & shams go perfect with it. I’ll post later how to reuse & decorate the cheapest way I’ve been doing so far so bare with me.

I’m trying to not post such dramatic experiences in my life like I had been the past few months but it still continues to grow sadly. I want to write about more up-lifting posts. More like my little girl Ari haha. But I’m very positive I’ll still vent bout whatever is going on. & there may be more soon though I really hope not :(

Anywho just wanted to stop by & be random haha

Long time no freaking post like OMG!!!! Lol

No seriously I’m glad to finally be able to get on to make a post even tho its months than I intended. Due to gettin tired of fighting to get any computer time thanks to my bratty ass 12 year old cousin & the city’s library’s stupid lock over tumblr, is why I haven’t been posting. (which I’m sure none have missed my rants of my pathetic struggle of love, lol)

But no the only things that were good to happen to me since my last post was the birth of my long awaited bundle of joy, Arianna Elizabeth, & the current motion of getting our apartment ready. Yes, I FINALLY got a place for me & her & I’m happy. Well that I’ve accomplished something for us at least, other than that, not really cause of the same ass bullshit but more intense drama.

I honestly want to say whats on my mind about it so freaking bad, but if I did it would get out more than whats known by few. Hell even how I’m wording it is giving away my anguish from how my heart feels on the matter. Just gonna say sometimes ignorance is bliss, but only to those that don’t know. 

Anywho will post again for sure now :)

Really glad to finally get on to make a post. Been on edge a lot for almost the past week, specially today. See last week me & the baby daddy went down south to see the high risk baby doctor & got the day set for when our daughter will finally arrive in this horrid world which is for the 16th of July :)

When the doctor asked how that day was I had such a foggy daze it felt like the time we found out we were expecting back in December. I was happy, scared, & overall just in awe like recently. 

If everything goes well at my non-high risk baby doctor Thursday the 16th is still the set date.

I’m happy that its happening but at the same time for different reasons, I’m dreading it thanks to my mother & some stuff she had to bring back up like power of attorney & then the last name issue. 

I feel as though I have no choice in my daughters life like I thought. My mom had to bring up the fact what if she asks how come our last names aren’t the same & crap like that. One thing the baby isn’t gonna be talking muchless understand anything like that. & to top it off my mom had to make a comment bout him not seeming like a father & once he saw our daughter he’d leave like how he dropped me like a hot cake soon after. 

Yea great way of putting it mom & reopening the wounds….

I don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to the father since one I don’t want a fight over the last name again & then the what if part of something happening to me who would get the baby & if I did do it to shut my family up I’d feel horrible about it since me & him had apparently already agreed to things MONTHS ago. I just don’t like feeling like a backstabber & so forth.

Yea I understand a last name can be changed but its hard to want that since the other party isn’t in favor over it. 

This shit has bothered me so bad that I’ve been thinking bout talking to my preacher if not calling my therapist to get all this off my chest for sure. But even if I had I seriously doubt I’d get the closure I’m in need of. 

I’m told to not talk to him about any of it but what good is that gonna do??

It’s another damn if you do & damn if you don’t situation. 

Maybe I can sweet talk the father to at least sitting down to talk with me & my grandmother so we can figure something out. I don’t know if it would work but don’t hurt to try I guess.

What do any readers think of this conundrum? Please help? :(((

Hope everyone had a good Forth of July yesterday. Full of grilled food, fireworks, fun, & celebrating our freedom with friends & family.

(Hate to honestly say this but I can’t for the love of myself, which isn’t much anymore, remember if yesterday represented when Lincoln & all the guys signing the the Declaration of Independence lmao. There’s too many days like this Veterans Day, Memorial Day, etc.) 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

& this is the part I ruin this blog with my rant from my pathetic life basically. It was honestly depressing to me also due to the face I haven’t been able to sleep much these days & taking a benedryl sure as hell didn’t even help me but make me more tired & emotional as fuck!

This is basically the 1st July 4th I wasn’t able to spend with Dumbass due to the fact the bitch was in town, so I was really depressed. Not hearing a word from him not even about the baby items I got the other day didn’t help. Found out the bitch stayed over cause his freaking mom made her since everyone was fucked up. Normally I don’t go for the drinking & driving deal, but in this case I’m all for it for her to get killed. Hitting a pole with no one around to help OR get hurt themselves would’ve been nice. Two-face, back stabbing bitch.

Anywho went over to my mom’s to spend it with her cause the so called get together that I was told about wasn’t what I expected. My cousin was grilling & supposebly was gonna bring everything to our place to eat. He did all right but brought us food & stayed at his place so it was basically me & my grandmother. Like I said not what I was thinking bout. But me & my mom rented some movies & happy for me I got to drink some wine that made my little nose tingle a bit & went to get a Jamacanmehappy drink haha. 

Now before ya’ll start shaking your heads it was ONE bottle & the alcohol content was 3.2% which is all I wanted anyways, even consulted with my dad bout seeing would it be ok & he didn’t see the harm in just ONE, but no more tho. He said the wine was more like 12% which I honestly believe it was cause I felt better with it if I had more than the other drink.

But yea I was trying to make it a good forth. I mean shit I deserve it! Why should I let my ex who obviously enjoyed his & not myself? I shouldn’t that’s why!!

But besides that, also been feeling like people been throwing stuff up in my face even if they’re not. Like my friend posted bout how she & another friend was going out with their boyfriends or muchless to top it off my ex’s mother had to make a damn video of him acting a fool with the bitch right in the background & then him dancing with her…….

Yea its funny how someone claims to hate another for being in the picture & breaking our family up & being a backstabbing friend winds up being there at their house getting drunk. Fucking hypocrite is all I can say. 

So yea dealing with all this is so great since today I have to go south to see my high risk doctor & he’s going with me. I don’t know how to act around him specially when once a fuck again we had another night talking & sharing little kisses that WEREN’T on the lips (I may have posted about that I can’t recall), but still nonetheless it happened & as usual like my grandmother said I knew I would be thrown aside like a fucking Raggedy Anne doll. Ugh I don’t know what the fuck to do but hope I go into labor soon so I can be like fuck you!

Ooooo & I’m not sure if I’m being paranoid, but I recently got to thinking that the bitch is coming back all on purpose. I mean she was last here not even two weeks ago for Father’s Day & her father’s birthday, & she’s back again for yet ANOTHER holiday, what next holiday is there? Well I think Grandparent’s Day is next, but surely she wouldn’t bother coming back for that. AND!!! It also seems like she’s gotta be here when we have to go south. Now I will say last trip the ex didn’t go due to work, BUT she was here nonetheless & he didn’t bother asking bout the time of that appointment or anything. I am gonna keep an eye out for this. Hopefully I’m wrong but idk…..

*sigh*